does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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