We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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