Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
