I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
