I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
