At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
