What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
