So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
