His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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