You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
