I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
