A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She needs sedatives and a leash
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Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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