The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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