i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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