I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
did i just pee glitter
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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