There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
