At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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