i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
