My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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