I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
