thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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