i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
