Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i believe in u and ur pee
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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