Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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