FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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