I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
