I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
