This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Randomize
