I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
