There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My life is pants optional.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
