I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
