saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We're too hungover to prance.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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