That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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