it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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