Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
