we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
