Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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