I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
