Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
