Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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