ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
