We're like a lot better than the average bears
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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