so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
