I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma