The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run