WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst