He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
