I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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