My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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