Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
