I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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