3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to jail i love you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
