i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
