my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
