I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
