Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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