this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
